Genesis Part 5 – Friends

I had done a ton of writing since landing back in London. Nothing I wanted to put out as I knew the type of writing I was doing was quite dark as the mindset I was in was quite tragic. Im not asking for you guys to feel sorry for me but to listen to my failed plan and how it was executed.

By this point the first two steps of my plan had already failed but alas I kept a brave face and endured the crap. I went back to my friend who had a room to rent and made sure to ask if me being there would be an issue. Surprisingly she was quite open to me renting her room as we had good encounters in our past. This fun trip down memory lane soon switched to something different when realising I had to ask my dad for some of my nest egg but at the end of the day I needed help and he had told me to ask but the real question I wanted to ask was:

“Why am I unable to stay at my aunts as suggested by her before I came to the country?’’

What ever issues that were going on behind the scenes I don’t know why it had affected me but somehow in all of this I was the victim and was being treated like one.

So I reached out to my dad for help…. And he helped!

He sends me a quarter of my nest egg to put towards rent and getting small bits for myself which again in turn makes me see superman in a different light.

Without any arguments or problems I move into my new room in the quiet parts of Kennington and start to look into methods of maintaining my son from overseas. Now I was smart with it.. The moment I got to London any money I had I made sure to send over a big potion of it to my son (with evidence of me sending it 🙂 ). For some reason this year being back in London most people forgot how close me and my son were and the importance he is in my life. Let me not continue and sound like a bitter single parent but speak on the positives. Now living under a totally different roof with new people I needed to find a way to get back to Canada but also regain the money I had now put in to rent.

London is the city of opportunities and money..

I have many people I know in London that I could jump back in with to earn a quick change so I started the search. I looked at all my old peoples that I had been around or we had done business before and you know what I realised very quickly? Me leaving in 2017, that was like a massive pause button for some but also, that was a delete button for others. Friendship and honouring something is what I have always believed in so my first thought was to message my successful friend who I felt we were in the same field so it would be something easy for me to jump into or even just to help so I could get an additional jobs going forward as I know they used people in that field so two friends at it with the same mindset would be brilliant.

“Of course I would want to bring you to a shoot but I don’t know if you’re going to try and fuck one of the guests or you might miss a shot. You do a shoot first and let me see what comes from it then we can go from there”

This was the second time a “good”friend had put me in a certain box but on the back of that it made me realise a massive point about myself.

I was a massive twat

Literally people have a set view of me or how I move and now I’m back I’ve seen it. I heard a phrase used once in a podcast saying:

“Your always looking for the problem but it’s your mirror that has dropped”

So to put it plainly…. I was an egotistical arrogant loving sweet rude prick that always wanted the best for and from my close and loved ones. Coming back they still had this view of me being this person when in actual fact I had changed. Not only personality wise but also my mindset was different towards certain things, but how can I show people I’m not the fuck boy I was before? Wait, should I even be entertaining the views of others and just focus on myself?

Why am I even caring about them things when my aim is to get back to Canada?! Anywho the job hunt started but have you ever tried to find a needle in a haystack? Have you ever tried to go so west that to end up in east? Is water wet??

What I’m trying to get at is have to tried to find a job in the midst of a covid outbreak?

Genesis Part 3 – Father to Father

When people ask me if they think I’ve changed I always say In many ways to be fair. The person I was back in 2017 in was at the pinnacle of being a fuck boy but with a good heart. I can reflect on a bunch of things to be real and see my mistakes but we now live in a generation that if the public doesn’t forgive you rather than reflecting on your own actions then it didn’t happen. On top of that we live in a surface level environment so most won’t know anything unless you put it out for strangers to see.

I think Canada more than anything changed me as a person. Being away for so long I could look back at past actions or mistakes wheather I have grown from it or it still haunts me, it still made an impact enough to still be in my mind and this is why I’ve always said life is about building good memories. When all your doing is badness that’s all your life will be but I’m going off of topic.

Now I’m back in London. It’s June 2020 so the sun is making small small appearance and the first thing I wanna do is just rest my head. I put up a post saying I landed and someone liked the post but me I was looking at a certain name that I saw and knew but didn’t know where from so I randomly sent a message to them asking them simply “where do I know you from?” In which surprisingly they remembered me and as soon as I they told me where from everything clicked. The power of social media I guess. I was talking with her catching up when she let me know randomly

“I have a spare room I’m renting”

This was a key factor in my story but was a passing comment but let me progress. Within two hours of me getting to London I got a call from an old good friend of mine. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him in years. I don’t know if it’s because I left that we fell out of touch or just simply we grew up but I was excited to share my experiences of Canada with him, the fact I had built a company out there, I now had a son. I picked up the call to him and the first thing he said was: is

“Big man. Welcome back! I’m in clapham park now!!! There’s bitches, I got bottles and I’m sending you an Uber NOW!! Where are you?”

These times I just wanted to go out with my camera and take some pictures. I refused. The reason why I have actually put this here is because this is one of the cons about coming back to London. Canada turned me into a quiet person. The raving and going out to get drunk and look for girls isn’t me anymore.

At all.

That was the first time someone called me boring..

Chapter 2

One of the good things to come out of all this was the fact I got to see my father. Well I got to see both sides of him for once. You see growing up with the mythical nature of hearing the negatives about a father or the things he has done you kind of build up a wall or expectation. The thing about my father is as a child you would hear all these stories. Stories of violence, affairs and drug fuelled behaviour but the sugar coating over all of this was money and gifts. Confused? Let me explain.

When me and my brother were kids let’s say 1997, we didn’t see our father but was always told he’s “away” or “on holiday” but what he would do is pop up with these expensive gifts as a distraction. One day he had popped up without my mum knowing and had “bought” us the new electronic system that had just been released called the PlayStation. We didn’t understand what it was as kids but superman had returned to put a smile on our face and just like Michael Jackson did in that video, my dad disappeared into the night and I didn’t see him again until two years later.. this time with a Nintendo 64 In hand with several games. Again we were angry that we hadn’t seen our father. Where was he?!? But a new Nintendo??? Superman returned. This repeated on for a few years until we realized what his “holidays” were and he clocked he couldn’t just buy us. In all of this though.. all of the stories I had heard of my father… he was the nicest guy in the world??

How can someone so vulnerable be this big violent person I’ve heard these tales of?

Anyway this was the first time in YEARS I was gonna see my father. From what I had been told he had been released and was sober. When I saw him I saw myself for the first time in ages. I looked like him but just a mature toffee skinned sculpture to him. Anywho I’m going off topic. We met up and he wanted to make things right. We spoke for a while catching up on life, women and more and I felt proud to be next to him. This was the first time in 33 years I had been around my dad and WALKED around with him.

The joys you feel as a boy trapped in a mans body.

That joy wouldn’t last though..

Genesis – The New Testament

Waking up hearing the birds chirping in the background wasn’t something new to me. I rolled over and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes also realizing the bottle of water I had thought existed beside my bed was a figment of my imagination. The only thoughts I had in my head at this point were is this what a 33 year old feels like after a night of drinking? In my juvenile delinquent days I would be able to guzzle litres of the devils juice and wake up and go work like nothing happened. I wanted to look up and ask God why he has done this too me but alas my complaints will go unnoticed.

After dragging myself up and shuffling to my bathroom (not the shuffling that these mdma house heads are doing at these festivals but I did have the alcohol sweats like them) I started getting myself ready for a day of conversations and and pros and cons.

Why you ask? (and for the people that didn’t ask shame on you)

I have been weighing up the pro’s and con’s of me being in London and me going back to Canada. This has weighed on my head for 12 months now and secretly I was scared to confront it. I was so scared to even speak on it that I lost my spark for writing, lost my confidence in myself so didn’t take pictures hence my ghostly absence on most social media platforms but I had an epiphany which made my spider senses tingle. Also thank god for spell check as my grammar is trash but it pulls me up when needed.

Now without going into detail like I would do in the past as I was extremely sensitive and also a wet tissue due to *** ******* my trip to London should have been a smooth transition… (remember the term smooth as that will be the key word for this chapter) in which I would come and regain my groove and recharge my mental state. I had a plan.. well there was a plan I should say but let me continue before you try and guess as all of this won’t make sense let me start from June 8th 9am.

Landing in Gatwick and seeing that the sun was actually shining when I landed was a different feeling but also a sigh of relief. Perspective is key in everything in life and is something I’m now starting to understand. Sitting waiting in the smoking area and sat there looking at others wondering what sort of life they live, what plans they have, how they see me and various conversations but didn’t want to seem like I’m being nosy. I came back to London for my reasons and at that point before I jumped off a bridge I needed some time to gather my thoughts. After smoking a cigarette and realizing my cousin was an hour late I became weary but still happy I was back. I was home. I was in familiar territory!

The car journey back into London was something to behold. I forgot about the architecture and places in London that are beautiful and now with a different mindset I just wanted to run around with my camera. My cousin looked at me as we hadn’t seen each other in years. “Jason now that your back you need to regain your energy and make sure you have your head screwed on. Don’t waste this trip. Have you got a plan?”

Have I got a plan?? Of course I did coming over. It was extremely simple..

But things are never simple with me

Genesis Part 4 – Father to Father Part 2

It’s weird to think that we now live in a generation of what’s more popular or said louder than what’s right. I don’t know if it’s my age or the lack of creativity but these wondrous thoughts have been crossing my mind lately. Well, being on the underground from elephant and castle to clapham north there’s not much you can do. Used to the gloomy looks of people reading newspapers which they are really digesting but alas it’s something to do on the train and now I sound like I’m moaning so let me proceed.

Getting to know my father was a very different experience due to the fact that I didn’t know him. You hear stories all the time of people but without actually being in their presence you can’t say for yourself. My dad asked me and my eldest brother to go to bromley glades with him to do a bit of shopping and even though to some it’s a simple trip but to me and my brother this was a big deal. We had NEVER walked around with our father let alone had constant contact so this was like a kid in a candy store… sorry it was like a kid in a sweet shop (let me correct myself as if I’m not from America or Canada) but this is when I started to see the first cracks.

Having a father figure around is important. No matter what friends and family or social media tells you it is integral for there to be one. We have all seen single parents work their magic and do what needs to be done but having a dad there… anywho I’m sounding like a wet tissue so let me continue. We had reached bromley glades and it was the first time I saw his behaviour in public which wasn’t such an issue but it was the lack of respect for everything around him. Constantly I had to check him and let him know we was in public but again maybe he was just excited to be around his boys. All the other stories of him and his drug fuelled behaviour I hadn’t seen so didn’t think much into it.

By this point he had sat me down and asked me if I wanted my nest egg now or when I was going back to Canada but I had let him know my simple plan of being in London and what I was trying to do so on his word he told me

“I’ll hold it for you. Anytime you need anything just ask and it’s there for you”.

Look at him. My dad being a father. This was the first time I saw my dad trying to take control and make an effort to help. Maybe all of them stories wasn’t as true as I thought. Now again this was all in the early stages of me landing in London so let’s just say we are now in August. At this point the start of my plan had already failed:

  • Land in London
  • ⁃ Stay at my aunts to recover my mind
  • ⁃ Get my nest egg
  • ⁃ See close family and friends
  • ⁃ Back in Canada for September 16

But why? Why had my plan already failed? Due to generational curses that have plagued the older gen let’s just say due to an argument out of my control between others I was no longer aloud to stay at my aunts house…

So now I’m panicking. I got told to come over because I was gonna get some help. I got told to come over and relax. As I felt my head getting warm from the stress I remembered!!!!

MY FRIEND HAS A SPARE ROOM!!!

Wait…

My friend has a spare room to RENT…

Plan c??

Genesis – Part 2

Sitting in a pub by myself was something I wasn’t used to but something I’ve started to grow fond of. It’s a time where I can be in my own thoughts with a drink, write and contemplate randomness. Any who the reason I was sitting in this pub was due to the plan I had concocted before landing in London.

The simple plan…

On paper I was supposed to land here for 3 months, rest (and I wanna stress the word REST), get my nest egg from my estranged father and go back to Canada with no issues but go back as an independent man under my roof and proceed to continue being a father and business man.

Sounds simple doesn’t it?

Once I got back to my mothers house I set my stuff down and the first thing I done was go and get myself a Desperado and a Magnum as they do not sell such succulent beverages in Calgary. As I was walking back and admiring the scenes in London despite me being back in my home town I felt like I needed to rush back to Canada. It’s a shame to be fair as due to the laws of the world men will always be seen as aggressive or reasons for the failure of a family but alas we either have to move on or have more else where. I’ve always thought what it would be like having a child from every country in the world. Just a little you with different shades. This is why I like sitting in pubs with a drink where you can ask yourself these sort of questions. You can also ask yourself real questions like

“Does going back to Canada really make sense?’

But again this goes back to the pro’s and con’s of life in London vs Calgary. London is a beautiful ugly place wrapped in gold but smells like Peckham and vanilla if that makes any sense to you. Calgary is like the land of gold for me….. I can see the potential but with some gatekeepers wo. I got told the other day several of my family members were scared for me to go back due to them thinking that due to the pressure from *** ****** ****** I will end up killing myself. Others have said they feel me going back will be healthy and also puts me back into the scope of a MAN and FATHER and if I can handle the storm then I will succeed in the end.

It’s mad to think that between 2017-2020 the biggest thing that was said over there was:

Would you rather be right or kind?

Now kids are involved I wonder if that still applies?

Look how I started waffling on and forgot to get to the point. The plan!! I call one of my family members to find out what’s going on as there was a set PLAN before I got here. I then start asking question’s as the location of where I was supposed to reside in seemed as if it just turned into dust when I reached London. I then ask

“Wait… Where am I staying?’

You know when you catch a toddler with a toy they aren’t supposed to have or when you catch someone trying to sneak meat out of the pot.

Yea that exact look.

Who? What? Where?

The youth of today will never really understand the effort we went through in terms of having a link or even having a free house to bring someone to. It was a bonus, a joy or even a miraculous pass by the lord Kanye himself to have this so you would always want to utilise your time. Picture the scene…

I was 16 living in Tulse hill estate and it was the summer before we went to college and I was at home waiting for one of my boys to call or shout at me to go Brixton. I was indoors playing Xbox in my Nike tracksuit with my air max 90’s on whilst listening to a dizzy rascal set (multitasking is for everyone) until I got a random call from one of my guys that said the most beautiful sentence which was…

“Bro I have two girls here that are down for us to investigate there wombs!  They want to let us buss are p in there v and face”.

I didn’t know what that meant but I put some aftershave and sprinted to his house.

Once I ran up 3 flights of steps and gathered my composure I walked into his house with the confidence of my dad… Kanye west and poured myself a drink. He had explained to my that the girl in question was very..”friendly” so I could go and “talk” with her 😏 and as a young teen my hormones were at a peak level that even he fresh crisp air could touch me a certain way and there would be a party in my jeans. Anywho I walked into the room which was very dark but smelt very warm and  dingy but the girl was on the bed with a michevious smile on her face and basically just asked what my name was and within the space of 2 minutes she threw a condom at me and asked “how would you like me?”.  This had never happened well not as easy so what did I do?! I gave her the hottest 6 minutes of her life and then came back out the room and high fives my friend.

Once we all had finished making like the beasts with two backs we sat in the living room as we only had another 30 before his mum came home. The girl I was in the room with then came out into the light and looking into her face I thought… “why do I know you… I actually know this girl but where from!”

She looked at me and said “ohhhh I know you.”

Life

Cold Summers

I was literally having a phone conversation revolving around this topic but I wanted to give my view on such a young, immature and thirsty way of thinking.  I’m talking about the time in the year where the guys buy white trainers in abundance and the girls wear the most figure hugging maxi dress, I’m talking about the time of year hipsters and social media whores find themselves in Hyde,Clapham,Brockwell park to go and get chatted up for a fling until the winter time comes. I’m talking about the season we call summer.

Since I hit my mid teens the block period between June till the end of august the guys and girls of our community tend to change and sprout different tendencies. The guys now adapt a predator mentality and decide they want to patrol the roads for vagina that will be used for that time period and disgarded like a moist tissue. The women tend to wear a lot less clothing and state “it’s hot and if you have it flaunt it” (which is the anthem for whores to me) and also try to find themselves at many parks or locations to “hang out” which means stand around and wait for guys to try and get their number.  Now I generally thought we left this “it’s summer you can’t be in a relationship” manner back in 2004 but it seems some people still adapt to this mentality.

The real question I’m asking myself is what does the season have to do with being in a relationship or being single?   What does the season have to do with you trying to flex your muscles to random women in the park? What does the sun have to do with your vagina now more accessible than Tesco automatic doors? Is this what the sun does to people?  Maybe I’m just getting old now but I still enjoy having decent people around me. While speaking on the phone about this and hearing the stupid things people say is remarkable. Especially at this age women (not girls) are excited for summer because more guys will be on the road. At this age men are only hitting gym at the start of the year to flex. To the people at our age that live for the season….  please name one of your cats or unwanted children after me as a reminder I told you this.

Karma

Picture the scene. It was a sunny afternoon in south London. Single baby mothers and drug addicts patrolled while the suits sat in Starbucks enjoying a overpriced coffee while sitting by the window to let people know they are on lunch and decided to have lunch on show. I was on my way back to work from a doctors appointment and was on the phone talking to one of my guys.  While walking and speaking about future women I wanted to get pregnant my cellular started to act up as the earphone went very quiet. Not only did this cause an issue but at this point I was  on my third phone so I was making it work as I wasn’t good with phones. While walking down to the relevant platform my friend was telling me a juicy story but his voice kept on cutting in and out to which I said out loud “Fuck man I need a new phone!!” to which a pregnant women next to me said “you looking to buy a phone?”

Being from a poverty driven area this was very unusual as when it comes to buying and selling goods people can scam, steal or mislead you so I have always been extra careful. Looking at this women from head to toe she looked very timid and small but very well put together. I asked her why she wanted to sell the phone and she responded with she needed all the money she could get for her child as she was due anytime soon (pulling heart strings the Bitch) so I decided to entertain what she was selling. She pulled out a iPhone 6s to which I held the phone, went through the phone, put my sim in the phone, went on the internet and made several phone calls on the phone then called my friend Kayode to find out his thoughts. Once I told him he asked the price to which she said a simple “£250”.  Any good business man knows to work the number down so I said I was ok and gave her back the phone to which she responded with “what can you spare”.  Looking at her pregnant belly but also thinking about my bank accounts feelings as my money had been drained taking out women who only wanted free food at the time but I negotiated £140. I went with her to the cash point and withdrew the money thinking I just got a good deal and also helped this woman with child with some money. I counted the money in front of her and handed it over to which she gave me a charger and plug socket and said god bless me. I turned to my side and pulled out a cigarette and lit it then picked up my work bag to tell the woman thank you only to see she had vanished or turned into sand.  I’m sure she just left but it would have been nice if she turned into sand. Any who thinking back this was the first red flag.

I got on the number 2 bus going towards Victoria with my new phone and I wanted to test the camera going over the bridge and pulled it out. As I selected the right icon the quality of the picture has terrible.  I’m talking about 10 megapixels or lower so I was very confused.  As I took the picture at the bottom of the screen a box popped up saying “low memory. Upgrade or change memory card” (RED CARD!) to which I thought it’s different that the new iPhones take memory cards now. I got to work just on time and went to the I.T guy for him to have a look at the phone as I didn’t know what was going on and handed the phone over to him over for the moment the phone touched his hand he looked at me and said “This phone is fake”.

I couldn’t understand as I had an iPhone in my hand but I let the tech guy work his magic. He plugged it into his computer only for a box to pop up saying “Nokia”

“Jason what I think has happened is they have taken out the system of a Nokia and put on a iPhone theme and put it in an iPhone case/phone. Sorry mate but you got bumped”

I have never in my life ever been scammed or duped but I sat there confused thinking I just got stung by a pregnant woman. BITCH!! Should I run back to Vauxhall and search the area. If I did find her how will I get my money back? I laughed and just thought back to my past where I done the same to various people. Karma ay

Hoe Part 2

I touched on this topic in another blog but wanted to find out and dig a bit more deeper into the term ‘’Hoe’’ or “Whore” and find out what makes someone that term or even why our shit generation judges someone for doing what they want to do in life but hey who am I?

Growing up in a south London estate we were often around things we shouldn’t have been seeing at that age.  I remember being 14 and seeing a girl go into a block of flats willingly with a big smile on her face and about 8 guys in a line to go and “greet” her one after the other.  She was know by many names such as the town bike, neckle, whore of Babylon or simply ********.  Years past by and I bump into her and she’s married with two kids and in a very strong relationship.  We had a brief talk to find out her husband knew about her past but said that didn’t mean she wouldn’t make a good mother or wife.  I wasn’t surprised as the older we get we careless but I was surprised as her face used to get used as a toilet at least three to five times a week by several guys.

Another situation is I have a friend that does not live local to London but moved down from up north and was in London for the first time.  She went out for her first night in London and ended up kissing and giving a guy a mouth hug that night.  The next day she received a text from the guy basically telling her she was nasty and it was a one off.  When speaking to her she thought that was normal as in her area you can go out and kiss or even get off with someone and it wouldn’t be seen as bad as it is in London.  She didn’t realise it would be seen as “bad” but alas the life we live I guess.

Something I got told a few days ago was “There is a massive difference between being a hoe and being promiscuous.  One has no morals and the other likes to enjoy them selves”.  It made me think about couple of things but the main thing is why is this even still a topic?  Why is it that sex or even the idea of a woman loving sex a taboo…

ONS

A young tender faced guy and I was in the prime of my life.  I was 19 and working within the retail phone industry selling packages to old ladies that didn’t need it and contracts to people already in debt (All thanks to Phones 4 U R.I.P) I was making a very decent amount of commission on top of my basic wages so every now and again I would splurge or do something nice for myself.  A few of my work friends were going out to egg to indulge in house and garage but I didn’t really want to be around a bunch of walking zombies as that place used to be full of MDMA, Dizzle, Booger Sugar and Molly or whatever it’s called.  That really wasn’t my scene but I decided to be a team player and found myself  in holborn at 11:00pm.

As we was lining up a few people were surprised I was out with them as I always made some sort of excuse such as i couldn’t find my keys or I was washing my hair knowing I don’t have hair but anyway they forgave me and we all were smoking and drinking in the line.  Behind me were two girls stood one looking cold and the other in a red dress which caught my eye but today wasn’t the day for me to be trying to secure vag but to enjoy my work friends company.  One of the guys who was in our group started mingling with one of the girls but they didn’t seem interested only for my friend to look like that creepy guy over your shoulder trying to secure a phone number but my focus was getting inside.  I saw a few light skin girls with their legs out which would look better over my shoulder so I wasn’t bothered but alas we had given over the entry money and made our way inside which to my surprise was playing hip hop and other “Urban” music so now I was in my element as if I walked in and they were playing house music I would have probably tried to lynch myself when the bass dropped.

We made our way over to the table that was booked and we all immediately started guzzling the alcohol on our table.  the music blasting through my ears I was enjoying life.  As I went to the bar to get a bottle of Moet and looking lost as you do when the bartender  is serving someone else and you have to play it cool like you don’t want to shove your money down his neck.  Imagine you could do that?  That would be a faster way of paying to be honest and due to the long lines (this can be saved for another chapter so we will move on).  As I took the bottle back to the table I noticed an empty spot where no one was dancing so i went to it and started to vibes and and enjoy myself only for the red dress girl to come and tell me I’m standing In her spot with a smile on her face.  I looked at her smiling and said “Come squeeze in nuh” whilst positioning her in front of me…

This is going to be a good night 🙂