Just say it out loud, Just to see how it feels

Have you ever felt alone.

Not like you have no friends or family but just alone in your head. Baring in mind your brain works at a tremendous speed remembering the little details you seem to have forgotten 5 years ago but have you ever had a ton of thoughts, memories, anger, sadness and more pulling but for some reason… you still feel alone?

Yes there are billions of humans on this earth and probably more that we don’t know about to be honest but lately I have been trying to iron out some of the thoughts in my head. Mostly due to the fact that now living in Canada the culture shock has really hit hard. Banter is different, views are different and people are different. We grow as adults and evolve but what happens when you go to a place which tells you everything you have learned up until this point is wrong or I have been misinformed?

Now we are all bound to our homes and are practising social distancing cabin fever has risen and my anxiety has returned. My talent spark disappeared for the last year and a half so my writing, filming and more slowed down. Remarkable enough my father has now returned and is looking well but I’m on the other side of the world. Imagine that lol. I haven’t seen him properly since 2014 but now he is back I can see I’m my fathers son.

Family.

Key word family.

But that’s for another time. I need to get back to my writing more. I’ve been very apprehensive to write..

Matter of fact looking at all of my social media I’ve been apprehensive to do anything. I don’t upload pictures anymore, I don’t tweet like that anymore, I don’t banter with people on social media like I used to and I haven’t written… up until now. Social media and this generation… it’s actually scary how the world has changed and what’s become the norm, But this… this was my outlet and my way of getting my thoughts out.

Kanye west in his last intro said:

The most beautiful thoughts are always besides the darkest

I’m at the point I can understand what this means

Who? What? Where?

The youth of today will never really understand the effort we went through in terms of having a link or even having a free house to bring someone to. It was a bonus, a joy or even a miraculous pass by the lord Kanye himself to have this so you would always want to utilise your time. Picture the scene…

I was 16 living in Tulse hill estate and it was the summer before we went to college and I was at home waiting for one of my boys to call or shout at me to go Brixton. I was indoors playing Xbox in my Nike tracksuit with my air max 90’s on whilst listening to a dizzy rascal set (multitasking is for everyone) until I got a random call from one of my guys that said the most beautiful sentence which was…

“Bro I have two girls here that are down for us to investigate there wombs!  They want to let us buss are p in there v and face”.

I didn’t know what that meant but I put some aftershave and sprinted to his house.

Once I ran up 3 flights of steps and gathered my composure I walked into his house with the confidence of my dad… Kanye west and poured myself a drink. He had explained to my that the girl in question was very..”friendly” so I could go and “talk” with her 😏 and as a young teen my hormones were at a peak level that even he fresh crisp air could touch me a certain way and there would be a party in my jeans. Anywho I walked into the room which was very dark but smelt very warm and  dingy but the girl was on the bed with a michevious smile on her face and basically just asked what my name was and within the space of 2 minutes she threw a condom at me and asked “how would you like me?”.  This had never happened well not as easy so what did I do?! I gave her the hottest 6 minutes of her life and then came back out the room and high fives my friend.

Once we all had finished making like the beasts with two backs we sat in the living room as we only had another 30 before his mum came home. The girl I was in the room with then came out into the light and looking into her face I thought… “why do I know you… I actually know this girl but where from!”

She looked at me and said “ohhhh I know you.”

Life

Cold Summers

I was literally having a phone conversation revolving around this topic but I wanted to give my view on such a young, immature and thirsty way of thinking.  I’m talking about the time in the year where the guys buy white trainers in abundance and the girls wear the most figure hugging maxi dress, I’m talking about the time of year hipsters and social media whores find themselves in Hyde,Clapham,Brockwell park to go and get chatted up for a fling until the winter time comes. I’m talking about the season we call summer.

Since I hit my mid teens the block period between June till the end of august the guys and girls of our community tend to change and sprout different tendencies. The guys now adapt a predator mentality and decide they want to patrol the roads for vagina that will be used for that time period and disgarded like a moist tissue. The women tend to wear a lot less clothing and state “it’s hot and if you have it flaunt it” (which is the anthem for whores to me) and also try to find themselves at many parks or locations to “hang out” which means stand around and wait for guys to try and get their number.  Now I generally thought we left this “it’s summer you can’t be in a relationship” manner back in 2004 but it seems some people still adapt to this mentality.

The real question I’m asking myself is what does the season have to do with being in a relationship or being single?   What does the season have to do with you trying to flex your muscles to random women in the park? What does the sun have to do with your vagina now more accessible than Tesco automatic doors? Is this what the sun does to people?  Maybe I’m just getting old now but I still enjoy having decent people around me. While speaking on the phone about this and hearing the stupid things people say is remarkable. Especially at this age women (not girls) are excited for summer because more guys will be on the road. At this age men are only hitting gym at the start of the year to flex. To the people at our age that live for the season….  please name one of your cats or unwanted children after me as a reminder I told you this.

Karma

Picture the scene. It was a sunny afternoon in south London. Single baby mothers and drug addicts patrolled while the suits sat in Starbucks enjoying a overpriced coffee while sitting by the window to let people know they are on lunch and decided to have lunch on show. I was on my way back to work from a doctors appointment and was on the phone talking to one of my guys.  While walking and speaking about future women I wanted to get pregnant my cellular started to act up as the earphone went very quiet. Not only did this cause an issue but at this point I was  on my third phone so I was making it work as I wasn’t good with phones. While walking down to the relevant platform my friend was telling me a juicy story but his voice kept on cutting in and out to which I said out loud “Fuck man I need a new phone!!” to which a pregnant women next to me said “you looking to buy a phone?”

Being from a poverty driven area this was very unusual as when it comes to buying and selling goods people can scam, steal or mislead you so I have always been extra careful. Looking at this women from head to toe she looked very timid and small but very well put together. I asked her why she wanted to sell the phone and she responded with she needed all the money she could get for her child as she was due anytime soon (pulling heart strings the Bitch) so I decided to entertain what she was selling. She pulled out a iPhone 6s to which I held the phone, went through the phone, put my sim in the phone, went on the internet and made several phone calls on the phone then called my friend Kayode to find out his thoughts. Once I told him he asked the price to which she said a simple “£250”.  Any good business man knows to work the number down so I said I was ok and gave her back the phone to which she responded with “what can you spare”.  Looking at her pregnant belly but also thinking about my bank accounts feelings as my money had been drained taking out women who only wanted free food at the time but I negotiated £140. I went with her to the cash point and withdrew the money thinking I just got a good deal and also helped this woman with child with some money. I counted the money in front of her and handed it over to which she gave me a charger and plug socket and said god bless me. I turned to my side and pulled out a cigarette and lit it then picked up my work bag to tell the woman thank you only to see she had vanished or turned into sand.  I’m sure she just left but it would have been nice if she turned into sand. Any who thinking back this was the first red flag.

I got on the number 2 bus going towards Victoria with my new phone and I wanted to test the camera going over the bridge and pulled it out. As I selected the right icon the quality of the picture has terrible.  I’m talking about 10 megapixels or lower so I was very confused.  As I took the picture at the bottom of the screen a box popped up saying “low memory. Upgrade or change memory card” (RED CARD!) to which I thought it’s different that the new iPhones take memory cards now. I got to work just on time and went to the I.T guy for him to have a look at the phone as I didn’t know what was going on and handed the phone over to him over for the moment the phone touched his hand he looked at me and said “This phone is fake”.

I couldn’t understand as I had an iPhone in my hand but I let the tech guy work his magic. He plugged it into his computer only for a box to pop up saying “Nokia”

“Jason what I think has happened is they have taken out the system of a Nokia and put on a iPhone theme and put it in an iPhone case/phone. Sorry mate but you got bumped”

I have never in my life ever been scammed or duped but I sat there confused thinking I just got stung by a pregnant woman. BITCH!! Should I run back to Vauxhall and search the area. If I did find her how will I get my money back? I laughed and just thought back to my past where I done the same to various people. Karma ay

Hoe Part 2

I touched on this topic in another blog but wanted to find out and dig a bit more deeper into the term ‘’Hoe’’ or “Whore” and find out what makes someone that term or even why our shit generation judges someone for doing what they want to do in life but hey who am I?

Growing up in a south London estate we were often around things we shouldn’t have been seeing at that age.  I remember being 14 and seeing a girl go into a block of flats willingly with a big smile on her face and about 8 guys in a line to go and “greet” her one after the other.  She was know by many names such as the town bike, neckle, whore of Babylon or simply ********.  Years past by and I bump into her and she’s married with two kids and in a very strong relationship.  We had a brief talk to find out her husband knew about her past but said that didn’t mean she wouldn’t make a good mother or wife.  I wasn’t surprised as the older we get we careless but I was surprised as her face used to get used as a toilet at least three to five times a week by several guys.

Another situation is I have a friend that does not live local to London but moved down from up north and was in London for the first time.  She went out for her first night in London and ended up kissing and giving a guy a mouth hug that night.  The next day she received a text from the guy basically telling her she was nasty and it was a one off.  When speaking to her she thought that was normal as in her area you can go out and kiss or even get off with someone and it wouldn’t be seen as bad as it is in London.  She didn’t realise it would be seen as “bad” but alas the life we live I guess.

Something I got told a few days ago was “There is a massive difference between being a hoe and being promiscuous.  One has no morals and the other likes to enjoy them selves”.  It made me think about couple of things but the main thing is why is this even still a topic?  Why is it that sex or even the idea of a woman loving sex a taboo…

ONS

A young tender faced guy and I was in the prime of my life.  I was 19 and working within the retail phone industry selling packages to old ladies that didn’t need it and contracts to people already in debt (All thanks to Phones 4 U R.I.P) I was making a very decent amount of commission on top of my basic wages so every now and again I would splurge or do something nice for myself.  A few of my work friends were going out to egg to indulge in house and garage but I didn’t really want to be around a bunch of walking zombies as that place used to be full of MDMA, Dizzle, Booger Sugar and Molly or whatever it’s called.  That really wasn’t my scene but I decided to be a team player and found myself  in holborn at 11:00pm.

As we was lining up a few people were surprised I was out with them as I always made some sort of excuse such as i couldn’t find my keys or I was washing my hair knowing I don’t have hair but anyway they forgave me and we all were smoking and drinking in the line.  Behind me were two girls stood one looking cold and the other in a red dress which caught my eye but today wasn’t the day for me to be trying to secure vag but to enjoy my work friends company.  One of the guys who was in our group started mingling with one of the girls but they didn’t seem interested only for my friend to look like that creepy guy over your shoulder trying to secure a phone number but my focus was getting inside.  I saw a few light skin girls with their legs out which would look better over my shoulder so I wasn’t bothered but alas we had given over the entry money and made our way inside which to my surprise was playing hip hop and other “Urban” music so now I was in my element as if I walked in and they were playing house music I would have probably tried to lynch myself when the bass dropped.

We made our way over to the table that was booked and we all immediately started guzzling the alcohol on our table.  the music blasting through my ears I was enjoying life.  As I went to the bar to get a bottle of Moet and looking lost as you do when the bartender  is serving someone else and you have to play it cool like you don’t want to shove your money down his neck.  Imagine you could do that?  That would be a faster way of paying to be honest and due to the long lines (this can be saved for another chapter so we will move on).  As I took the bottle back to the table I noticed an empty spot where no one was dancing so i went to it and started to vibes and and enjoy myself only for the red dress girl to come and tell me I’m standing In her spot with a smile on her face.  I looked at her smiling and said “Come squeeze in nuh” whilst positioning her in front of me…

This is going to be a good night 🙂

Window Window Part 2

Going over a few ideas in my head I was trying to think of a way inside of her but by making her lead the conversation. We walked back and I found out she didn’t live local… at all but I didn’t find it odd she was in south London as the thought of her mouth was racing through my head. We turned back on to my road only to find out she was literally a road away from my house. He lord is definitely my Shepard. I told her I would run home and grab the charger and she said I could come hers and chill for a while. I had never met this girl before, didn’t know if she was a killer or a psycho but just because I thought I had a slim chance for some sexual I lost my mind. Sad really. 

I found my self jogging to my house to race and get my only charger to “charge her phone” and I stopped and said to myself “let me just check her social media so I can find out what she is like” only to again to see loads of pictures with a lot of tits on show and videos of her eating ice lollies which made me think by doing this online and showing the world constantly what you have to offer why complain there are no good guys? But that’s for another part of this story.  I grabbed the charger and ran back out my house and made my way to where she was staying. Freshly smelling of 1 million and a party in my jeans I knocked the door only for her to answer but this time with her jacket off showing me that her twitter pictures were not fakes. I proceeded inside so I could try and proceed inside. 

She poured me a drink and was actually more quiet than I thought she would be compared to her social media accounts. She told me she was in London seeing her cousin but was travelling around seeing different friends she had met through music. I generally thought this girl was a porn star or a loud mouth bastard but she was actually really level headed and cool which made me really question why she was like that online?  Insecurities maybe or just attention but anywho I am not trying to sprinkle holy water to fix anyone. Somehow the conversation then moved on to twitter and how long we had been on there for. She had 2300 followers and I had just touched 1000 so we was laughing at the stupid jokes and memes until she stopped and had this really mischievous look on her face. Was she hungry? Because I was hungry maybe that’s why she looked like that. I went to ask if she had any snacks when she looked at me and asked me to answer her latest tweet. I hadn’t seen it yet so I went on her twitter to find she had wrote “Do guys think girls lie if they say they can deep throat?”.  In this moment instantly the party in my jeans began to party even more and I was thinking of a cool response…

“Most girls lie about that. I haven’t found a girl yet who can but if I did I would fully wanna test drive to see”

She looked at me and smiled and said…

Window window!!!!!

Curiosity killed the cat the saying goes. I think curiosity can lead you into very good situations or even into a forbidden garden. Follow along with me guys. 
I was at the young tender age of 19-20 and was living at my mums being a twitter guy constantly tweeting as if it was paying me per character I typed. By this time in my life I had a decent amount of followers as well as being a bit wayward and had a bit of a reputation for being an arsehole but it worked for me and for some strange reason me being rude made girls want to open their legs like Tesco automatic doors. I guess nice guys really do finish last. Anyway on this particular day I was literally walking out of my house to go and meet my friend so we could play some xbox or chat up some girls to investigate their crime scenes if you know what I mean. 
I waited at the bus stop tweeting and thinking of my next online victims while the 159 started to pull up and proceeded to get on. While on the bus it hadn’t even moved but I turned my head to see a light skin girl with massive tits just sitting at the back of the bus. Within seconds I made my way over to her but as I got closer to her large women parts I realised I follow her and she follows me on twitter?! Maybe I can flip it back tomorrow and try?! So while looking at her she even said to me “don’t I know you from somewhere?” To which I said it’s from twitter (bare in mind the bus hasn’t moved yet and is still picking up people at the stop so I decided let me try and secure it NOW.
I asked her where she was off to and she let me know she had left her phone charger in east London and was going to go get it (WINDOW) so I explained I had a charger in my house she could use right now. She looked at me… then looked me up and down and said… “Ok that can work”. These times I fully thought she would have said a next day or something but we both got off the bus and walked back towards my house. All that kept on going through my head was the fact this said girl had a video on her twitter with her practicing how to eat a twister… men are weak creatures I guess…

Honey who?

 Love is defined by many things. Your feelings, actions and words. Many people love for different reasons such as relationships or even for family but what actually holds the love together? Time? Convenience? Or is is routine?
The first six to eight months of a relationship or even seeing someone are always the good special times or the “honeymoon period”. You guys are out and everything is fresh and nice and new. You feed each other food like a mother bird feeds her kids and have picnics and do spins in the sunshine. You go on cinematic adventures and go on dates to places you don’t normally go to and enjoy being in each other’s time constantly. You will give them your last rolo as well as the last spoonful of rice and chicken on your plate. The honeymoon period itself is a fun time to be in..
When does this run out though? Matter of fact when does it start to surface? I have asked various people and one thing I have found is either going on holiday with your partner or moving can drastically change the dynamic of the relationship. The person that you once loved and wanted to cuddle you are now thinking of ways to poison them in their sleep. The person you shared a future with you now you want to make them swallow a sword but is there such thing as a perfect relationship? Are arguments really healthy for you. The shouting and screaming and constantly disagreeing can somehow be a positive in the long run. I was told yesterday the imperfections are what make things perfect so how does this make sense?
I personally think we should all go to the clinic while young and enjoy yourself for a few years and when ready retire your genitals and find a new best friend to build and take over the world. Obviously this is my thought process and some may not agree but seeing people getting married young only to break up quicker seems long. Have sex. Enjoy life. Build together. 
If you don’t want to then in future name one of your cats after me thanks

Chinese whispers 

As a young teen I was doing music, representing my area (Tulse Hill) and running around causing a lot of trouble but because of this I had a lot of girls around me that wanted to know me. I guess the saying nice guys finish last comes into play a lot but follow along with me. In this time we were all experimental and wanted to just try and investigate your way into a forbidden garden but it wasn’t that easy. You had to learn how to talk to a female, keep her attention from other guys then lock it down but to be fair I was a little whore growing up even more due to the fact I was getting plays on my MySpace page. Scrolling through the internet I had been invited to this guys party but I didn’t really respect his character but he was always around girls so I got dressed and made my way to central London. 
I hadn’t really gone raving as much as I would prefer at that age to “stand on my block and rep it to the death” but I need a new outlook on things. New people and new places so dressed quite decently with shoes on just in case I made my way to the door of the club and proceeded to go downstairs. Once at the bottom the music was blaring and people were all around drinking, dancing and enjoying themselves and at that point I thought to myself why have I never really gone raving. There were so many potential ex girlfriends in this bar so I decided to do my rounds until I bumped into the guy holding the party. We spoke briefly and took a couple of pictures whilst throwing up a T.H for Tulse Hill (sad yes I know) but while taking the picture I noticed this spicy being in a blue dress across the room so instinctively I parted the crowd like the red sea and prepped myself. 
I left with her number because my confidence is normal on par with Kanye’s but that’s for another story. My main aim was just to entertain the convo because I wanted to investigate her crime scene if you get what I’m saying so for the next couple of days we spoke and flirted and one of the things she stated numerous times was to just not tell the guy who held the party. At first I was fine with this but I didn’t really respect the guy and wanted to rub it in his face so when I next saw him I made sure I done it in such a smooth way..

We had small convo till I hinted I wanted to speak to someone at the party he held. He laughed and said I couldn’t get no one there (my phone was now burning into my leg to show him) and the sexiest girl there was dealing with one of his boys. Just because I felt he was trying to put my man hood down I pulled out my phone and said I’m speaking to her… I thought I couldn’t get no one….. 
He looked at me and said..
“Swear?? Ok I will keep it quiet”
He didn’t…