Emotion Pt 1

“I grew up in a household where I had to be a good boy to receive love which means you’ll love being with me at the start of the relationship because I’m gonna do everything I can to make you happy, but I have a deep fear of confrontation which means I avoid setting boundaries and I’ll probably burn myself out trying to please everyone. I’ll start to resent you, probably become passive aggressive because of years of suppressed anger and you’ll stop finding me attractive and start yearning for a man with more mature, masculine qualities.”

I never read something that resonated so much with me that I had to actually put things aside and write about it. I have always been one to mock social media and people talking about their feelings and relating it to memes or more but surprisingly enough I came across this one meme talking about emotions with men, and it hit quite hard because where I’m from you’re not supposed to have emotions and especially in the generation that I came from in a late 90s 2000s having emotions as men was a sign of weakness, even so having emotions in this generation will get you called sassy or more but alas let me continue. As I was going through and reading what this paragraph said it made me reflect on a lot of the emotions and relationships I’ve had in my life and in reality I have met some wonderful women, some wonderful people and more coincidentally enough now that I’m in my mid 30s I can actually look back and recognize.

I wasn’t ready to accept love or emotion from a lot of people.

For a long time I blamed my upbringing. If I’m honest I blamed the main women in my life as that was the example that was set for me. A lot of young men were brought up on hurt single mothers who’s main objective wasn’t to teach emotions and how to face the world but how to look up and respect the hurt woman within that household. This is why you have a lot of men who do not know how to handle their emotions as the masculinity that should have been present in the impressionable stages were missing.

Funnily enough a lot of men have now started to recognize their emotions and the trauma they may have endured and are internally trying to repair their PTSD but we also live in a generation where people are pulling out statistics and using phrasing to weaponize the male species which is scary in itself but the moment you have a debate with one of these social justice warriors there’s a 50% chance of getting cancelled.

Ridiculous… yes

Can you tell these new Gen babies anything they didn’t learn from Tik tok?…. No

Anywho, I’m waffling but sometimes it’s needed. I write because it’s needed. It’s a way of therapy for me and also a way to pen my emotions as again it’s hard for people to open up. Imagine telling someone how you feel or about family and there is ALWAYS a 50% chance they will “expose” you.

Again, this life we all live.

More so Calgary as this place is small as hell (same landmass as London but only about 1.5-2 mill population) is the worst for gossip and talking. It’s like a giant school where everyone is fucking everyone, everyone knows everyone and everyone talks about everyone like it does come back to you. In London if someone didn’t mess with you or didn’t wanna talk to you they would let it be known. Calgary they hate with a smile.

Not to long ago I had a situation were my name was moving around and I was talking to people I KNEW had my name in their mouth but for me to have some form of social interaction I have to play dumb.

I think that’s the hardest thing about living in Calgary and my emotions.

Half the things I put up with here….. I would never put up with back home so why am I?

Lack of friends?

Lack of human interaction?

Is this classed as sassy?

Dating 101 – Part 1

Chapter 1

“So what you’re telling me is that, as a man, you can’t control your animalistic urges, which shows me the little boy in you needs to come out.”

 

The dating scene has changed a lot over the last decade. Slyly, I do envy those who are in committed long-term situations, but then again, I know a few that are dying to escape, as if to say they are locked in some form of terrible prison. Anywho, I was back on the dating scene, but this time I was dating as a 30+ year old and in a whole different country. In London, I knew the types of jokes and things that could put a smile on a babes face real quick, but then again, I heard Calgary was very conservative but open-minded. 

 

Now I would always make fun of online dating and such, but at this point I wanted some form of mouth hug or just entry into some vintage forbidden garden, but for some reason all my old tricks and tips didn’t work anymore. 

 

The game had changed. 

 

So on a quiet evening, I decided fuck it. Let me download hinge and Tinder and get to trying to scoop some booty meat. 

 

Chapter 2

 

I had never used Tinder before, so I was just swiping to see what was out there. A few pretty women, a couple lagoon creatures, but still, I was being open to what I wanted to try and do. In my past, I normally had a “type” that people would put on me. Mostly bright-skinned women with bright eyes and a pretty mouth, but I wanted to expand and also get to know different people, so we started the conversation. Within the first 3 days, I had struck up a couple of conversations with some women who seemed quite nice to talk to. Others mostly wanted to talk to me because I was black and British, and in my younger years I would have dived in head first, but now that I’m older, I kind of deemed it to be slightly cringeworthy. Hearing

“oh, your so exotic,”

like I’m some fruit, or

“oh, your big and black with an accent”

made me want to slaughter a goat with anger. Not a goat, but some form of animal. Actually, I’m not an animal, as I’m now a cat dad and love my cat, but I’m diverting from my story. 

 

I managed to secure one girl’s number who looked good, had a pretty face, and had enough booty meat that would overlap when I had a grip. We set up a little cute get-together where she was going to make cocktails, and I bought some food and a film. 

 

Surprisingly, when I got there, it was actually a great date, and she looked good too. We drank, smoked, and got to know each other some more, as well as what we liked and didn’t like. We wound down the evening by putting on a film, and while watching The Joker, my hands were exploring such. 

 

So far… this is actually going well? Why does everyone hate dating here so much?

 

Confusion was about to start. 

 

Chapter 3

 

After the nice evening, I looked at my left wrist to do that thing where we looked down and said,

“Oh, look at the time”

to prepare yourself to leave. In the UK, this is done by slapping your legs and saying “right.”. 

 

I’m going off track again. 

 

Anywho, I said 

 

“Oh, look at the time. Let me call myself an Uber because it’s late.”

 

I didn’t want to overstay my welcome, but I also love my own bed. So as I say this and go to put my glass of wine on the side, she responds with

 

“Just stay at mine. It’s cool”

 

At this point, Lucifer started to whisper in my ear to ask more questions, but again, I did not want to overstep. 

 

“Ohh… Okay, that’s cool. Where am I sleeping?”

 

She looks at me and does that cute thing women with glasses do when they push it up. 

 

(Side note: massive turn-on.  Come, let me push them closer to your iris.)

 

“You can come sleep in the room with me; that’s fine.”

 

I then felt a tap from the devil himself with a faint whisper of, Keep going. 

 

She then stopped, and her face got a little serious while she looked at me and said, 

 

“Just so you know, I sleep naked.”

 

At this point, I wanted to jump and say Shazam, but I’m very sure if I did, she would have said to go home, so I did that thing guys do in this situation.

 

“Oh swear? Yea, that’s fine. That’s cool with me.”

 

But as I was just thinking about the pretzel shapes I was going to put her in, she said 

 

“But I don’t want to do something on the first date.”

 

Come and look at how my enemies have won this war. 

 

Chapter 4

 

The sudden party that was happening in my jeans instantly stopped. In those ten seconds, I was planning out an amateur session I would normally see on Pornhub, but those tender words stopped me in my tracks. In all fairness, I had a great time and didn’t mind waiting, but let me not stay in her bed. So as a gentleman, I say

 

“How about this? I’ll go home, and in the morning I’ll come with some breakfast for us.”

 

Now, with a puzzled look, her body language changes to a defensive tone. 

 

“Why don’t you want to stay in my bed with me?”

 

So now I’m standing back on the defensive, as I thought my idea was flawless. 

 

“It’s not that I don’t want to stay in your bed with you. I just don’t think it’s a good idea to lay in bed naked with someone I’m attracted to. I wouldn’t want to be all up in your neck, and it would be awkward.”

 

She looks at me now like I’m her enemy. Arms crossed, and I’m sure her forbidden garden is now gated. 

 

“So what you’re telling me is that as a man, you can’t control your animalistic urges, which shows me the little boy in you needs to come out.”

 

Oh, she’s one of those women when she doesn’t get her way. I thought about explaining myself, but by this point, I think the damage was done. So I made out like my Uber was downstairs, gave her a hug, and said I would text her when I got home. 

 

I got home.

The profile picture was gone.

Instagram was gone.

 

A part of me was happy because, in the long run, that seems like it would have been stress, but at the moment???

 

Was that bad of me to offer?

Sexual Eruption (Re-upload)

When you as a man want to impress a women in the bedroom, its more than just having a big dick but what you can do with it and how you make her feel in the process.  In my young tender days I had no idea what I should do to pleasure a women.  I do now.  There was one instance where I knew I had done a good job with what I done and achieved but the difference was magical…  Follow along…

Picture the scene.  My house and I had made sure everything was clean and fresh.  Fresh sheets, fresh juice and fresh head scarfs in case she wanted to spend the night (Guys be more prepared).  I had soft music playing as background filler and made sure I smelt good.  I knew she would be at my house within the next half an hour so just before she came I done a few push up’s and pull up’s so tighten up anything so if I wanted to flex it would look capable.  My playlist included such jams as Usher Can you handle it, Justin Bieber One life and many more so it was baby making music but I wasn’t trying to have no baby but if it came then I don’t know but we have diverted again.

She came to my house wearing some black leggings and grey top and the way she hovered in with such a soft step I knew to myself you are levitating with excitement hence you walking like you’re floating.  I poured her a glass of wine which had been chilled and sat down and spoke until I dropped the line

‘’Let me give you a tour of my house’’

which in reality meant I’m going to walk you around until we find my bedroom and I make an excuse to be in there with you.  So we reached my destination to which asked if she smoked (which she did) and told her I smoke in my room.   We enjoyed each other’s company for a few hours indulging in wine and slow strokes across her arm and lower back when I asked her

‘’What do you want to do’’

in which she replied she was surprised I hadn’t tried to kiss her and started calling me a chicken. 

She just didn’t know I was waiting for my time to invade her forbidden garden. 

I got in close and gave her the softest kiss on her lips with just a little bite on her bottom lip.  At this moment I could feel her start to shift her body so I pulled her in close.  We started picking up a pace and started exploring each other’s body.  My hands grabbing her bum but slowly caressing her thighs while she started to kiss my neck and grab me closer.  I got on top of her and slowly pulled off her leggings revealing my final destination.  While kissing her I moved to her neck and slowly started to rub her clit just enough to make her know I know what I’m doing and what I will be doing.  By this she started letting out little moans while rubbing my dick through my jeans that by then had become strong and wanted her to feel it.  Not only in her hands but I wanted her to FEEL it.  She pushed me back and started kissing my body but she was now in control.  I let her do what she was doing.  Making her way down but keeping eye contact while she ran her tongue down my stomach and slid my dick into her mouth.  Slowly she started licking all around it covering her mouth around the head then going deep while using her hands to move with her mouth.  I was looking down at the fact she actually could get it so deep…

Within 5 minutes she jumped up off me and bent over in front of me and I got behind her to mount her.  My left hand on the base of her back to make her arch more I slid my dick in with ease as she was so wet.  Slowly I began fucking her keeping a steady pace while making sure she felt it in her stomach.  She started pushing back on it so I picked up speed and grabbed her by her hair.  At this point I was fucking her while she moaned my name and told me she could feel it.  I whispered back ‘’Good’’.  I then turned her over and put her on top of me where she tried to sit on it only for her body to shift in such a way I knew she couldn’t handle it. 

I told her ‘’take your time, I’m not going anywhere’’ to which she nodded her head while biting her lip…

Genesis

Chapter 1

There were many moments in my school that I can think about. Most made me learn about people from a young age. Others made me realize my own flaws. One thing I did learn at the tender age of fourteen is that the whiff of a girl made me realize why men at the age we are now fall over and act stupid. They were everywhere! But I, at such a young age, was not suitable or legal to even really pursue a girl. That was until some of the older guys around my area started boasting about their adventures into a women’s forbidden garden. Most times it would be name-calling, such as ‘’Virgin’’ or ”Frigid”, but once I found out one of my friends actually had sex, I wanted to jump on this magical band wagon. What was it like? Once you have sex, does it change you? Do you look different? I digress.

 

The next day in school, I went on a hunt around to find out whose virginity I could steal. There were a few girls in my school who were what you would call “friendly” but I didn’t want that. While I was on my adventure to enter the forbidden garden, there was a girl in my year that I knew had a crush on me. (On top of that, we used to sneak off and go kiss in the gym hall on our lunch breaks.) I then made a clear decision in my head. I will just go and ask her. What more do I have to lose?

So I made sure I had a haircut and was wearing the best of fragrances (which was Versace blue jeans back then as it made you smell like a million) and made my way over to said female. I remember thinking to myself, I’m sure this won’t work; I’m too young to be having sex, but by this time I was already next to her. ‘’Hey’’ I said in the least manly way I could. The first response from her was,

“Should I go meet you in the gym?”

I should have known from there it was going to be a yes, but I was naive. ‘’So I know a lot of people who are doing it, and I wanted to try it with someone I think is cool… Would you like to have sex? If so, hand over that virginity now!” I never said that last part but only wrote it because it sounds cool, but again, I’m going off topic. She responded with a simple ‘’Yes’’. The first thing I did was run to my best friend Sean and boast about what was going to happen on the weekend. I remember thinking to myself that the one condom I had in my bus pass holder would finally be put to use. All I need to do is keep quiet and wait till the weekend.

 

 

Chapter 2

D-Day was fast approaching, and I had watched a dangerous amount of soft-core porn. Well,  whatever the free cable box would allow after 22:00 p.m., I was geared up. I had motion in my ocean, and a full tank was ready to explode. I had gone back to all the older guys situated around my area with a grin from ear to ear. ”Oiiii, listen, big man. Guess what I’m touching on Saturday’’ and ran off. I can’t understand why I ran off, but I wanted to be cool. Thinking back, they must have just called me a dickhead and carried on being juvenile delinquents. I continued to keep the fact that I was going to explore her forbidden garden a secret, but I let two people know. Firstly, there was my right hand, Sean. Described by most of the teachers as saying, ‘’These two are thick as thieves” I thought that was supposed to mean we were close, but maybe we were very reckless back then. but the stories with Sean are yet to come.

 

Saturday hadn’t come any sooner, and I had myself ready to touch a belly button from the outside. I had learned some techniques and what to do and say. I called said female, thinking I was going to her house, only to be told,

”Nah, come to my friend’s house. She has a free house, and it’s only us here’’.

To be fair, she could have said, Let’s do it in some bushes, and I would have abided. I then used my AA map, as Google Maps was a myth back then, and found out my route and made my way to upper Norwood.

 

One thing I can admit at this point is that I was shaking inside. Thinking to myself,

”Jason… You are actually going to have sex. This is happening. Go make yourself proud’’.

I found myself at the front door and knocked, but with each knock, my confidence shrank. ‘’Hi Jason’’ Her friend shouted as she opened the door, but to my surprise, there were a few people from my school year in the house. So by this point, my confidence had come back in full effect. There were people around, and I needed to continue my arrogant, egotistical attitude before it got back to school, and my class clown reputation would float away into the sun as Michael Jackson did when he turned into sand in that one video. So walking around with my chest high and saying, ‘’so what room are we in’’ I got told we had access to the mom and dad’s room. I was going to lose my V-card in someone’s parent’s bed?! BONUS!!

So I go into the room, and she comes in too while hearing a ton of giggling from outside the door. ‘’How do you feel? Are you okay” She responded with a simple ‘’Yes’’ but weirdly enough… She seemed more confident than I was. We got under the covers and donned our party outfits while I secretly put on the creased, bent, and been through a war condom I had in my bus pass. It took me about 0.9 seconds to put on, as I had been practicing in my toilet at home for this very day and proceeded to enter this supposed Garden of Eden.

15–30 minutes of asking, ‘’Are you ok? and “Is that hurting you? I gave up, as I wasn’t coming to the end of my tunnel. We came back out of the room with everyone looking like kids in a sweet shop. ‘’SOOOOOOO’’ I then high-fived every guy and made out like it was the best thing since sliced bread. I remember one guy walking in after, and I didn’t want to tell him as his mouth was big. Anywho, I was still basking in my none-virtual self-gleam and went downstairs to play WWF and drink some Sunny Delight. While drinking the sunny D, I looked at my reflection and said to myself, ‘’Well done.

 

Monday came for school, and my first lesson was history with my extremely pretty teacher (which I saw the other day and wanted her to see; I was eye-banging her as she has aged like wine while some of the other ladies have aged like milk). I sat down with Sean behind me and the guy I saw at the house. Within seconds, I heard, ‘’Jason had sex with *******’’ My teacher’s head spun around… ‘’What did you just say?’’ My main concern wasn’t the fact that I was in school and talking about it. My main concerns were, firstly, that I was 14. Secondly, I was a class clown and known as a bully, so I didn’t want anyone to think I bullied her into it. ‘’Jason, please report to the head teachers office’’ the speaker boomed through the classroom.

 

Chapter 3

Sitting next to your mom at such a young age with your head teacher explaining to her that her son had been having underage sex was such a joy. What made it more of a joy was the fact that my mom was looking at me with her judgmental eyes, burning a hole in my soul. They didn’t kick me out, thankfully, as the girl said she was willing as well. I tried to run a joke with my mom when we got out of the office, saying, ‘’Hey mom, at least I used a con…” She slapped me in the face with such a swift motion, as if she were reaching for the support bars on trains above your head, and continued walking as if nothing had happened. I think that’s where I got my mannerism when it comes to arguments or anything. I have always been told and shown that if there is an issue, I should resolve it behind closed doors and not make an issue. That didn’t matter as someone saw my mom, and it became a thing about my mom being a gangster.

Ironically, my attendance for such a little bastard was impeccable, as in my house, whether you are sick or not, you are going to school. That’s one thing I kept to myself and held with pride, but now a days you will find I try to call in sick whenever I can. It was always a thing that when you missed school, the most happened. From fights to people visiting, my school was full of stories. We had different groups in the playground, ranging from the popular kids to the footballers to the gamblers to the Latinos, and lastly, the ‘’Smart’’ people. Differently, I was a little crook, but somehow I managed to fit within most of these circles. At one point, I would be with all the guys, hearing one guy do an instrumental with his feet and mouth and another ‘’Spraying bars’’ (which is rapping for most of the people who may not know). Other times I would be over by the Spanish students trying to learn small things so I could say something nice to a Spanish girl. Surprisingly, the nerds were okay with me as well. Maybe it was for the fact that behind closed doors I listened to indie bands and pop groups from Sum 41 to Alien Ant Farm, so secretly I could go between each group and plant my seed into their brain. Randomly, I had one tall Asian girl who was sort of nerdy, but her mind when it came to rap music was vast (Hi Denise).

 

The news soon spread around the playground like wildfire, and I had most students asking me questions such as ‘’what did it feel like’’ to ‘’what position did you do’’ as if I were going to explain a play-by-play guide to how to have sex, as if I even knew myself. But what was weird? Was it not the fact that I had sex, but this is when more people started coming forward? But how? I thought I was the first person everyone wanted to ask about it. Maybe I wasn’t cool enough, but from hearing and seeing Sean, I wasn’t anything special. The main reason being that the school’s friendliest female started to get known in the blocks and toilets of my school, but alas, whatever happened happened, I guess. Ironically, I don’t even think I got past her hymen, as when our school prom came around, another student came to me boasting about losing his virginity with the same girl.

Was I bitter? Yes.

Did anyone else know? No.

Life